The Weight of a Breakup

Written by Sarah Angelone

Edited by Morgan Diep and Maggie Huang

There is one source of trauma that nearly every person has experienced: a breakup. Those who have gone through a breakup can easily describe the immense grief and feelings of abandonment that come with it. Despite having a substantial impact on mental health, breakups are often dismissed in the discussion of mental health awareness due to their frequency and commonality. Splitting up with your partner is almost always painful, and a breakup can often manifest as a traumatic experience. Breakups can exacerbate distrust, fear of abandonment, and confusion, enough to usually change a person entirely. 

You are grieving a person who is still alive during a breakup. Breaking up is the process of going separate ways, and accepting that someone very involved in your life will now go their own way. Some individuals expect a breakup for a long time, and other times breakups catch many people by surprise. Someone so important to you suddenly vanishing from your life can feel like a harsh abandonment, as humans “...are wired for emotional connection,” according to Laura Newberry, a therapist and writer with the Los Angeles Times (Newberry 2019). Losing a trusted and intimate bond with a loved one is undoubtedly saddening. Furthermore, psychologist Juli Fraga from Healthline explains that “...breakups can cause overwhelming and long-lasting grief,” due to their intense and sudden nature (Fraga 2019). Grief is something to be taken seriously as it often increases feelings of depression, anxiety, and fatigue. Additionally, breakups often correlate with worsened self-esteem and secure attachment while increasing negative thought patterns.

Distrust is a major issue that results from breakups, and more often than not, causes them. Trust is one of the most pivotal components in developing a healthy relationship with another person, alongside communication and commitment as it “...allows partners to open up and give more toward the partnership,” to work towards a higher level of intimacy and love (Bayridge 2022). Furthermore, trust holds such power because it does not come quickly. Fears and insecurities often motivate distrust, so holding trust for someone is “overcoming” those fears and allowing themselves to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is an uncomfortable emotion in society and even instinctually in survival. Humans do not want to be vulnerable, that makes an attack easy, whether emotionally or physically. It makes us susceptible to getting hurt. So, when someone chooses to trust another person within a relationship, they are allowing themselves to be vulnerable, and they are expecting that the other person does not take advantage of this vulnerability. Nevertheless, trust is almost always broken during a breakup. This trust can be broken in thousands of different ways: cheating, lying, treating your partner poorly, etc. Various actions can result in distrust, and it is very painful for a reason. Trust being broken often feels like a deep betrayal, as someone you have shown vulnerability to becomes a source of pain. Broken trust can also make the “betrayed” feel foolish or even upset for offering something as sacred as a trust to someone who did not “deserve” it. Many complex emotions accompany a rise in distrust. It can result in feeling deceived, angry, and betrayed, and creating a mixture of these emotions fosters a sense of turmoil and ultimately painful experience.

Fear of abandonment is another contributor to the pain of a breakup. Nearly everyone has a fear of rejection that stems from a fear of abandonment, and a breakup worsens both of these symptoms. A breakup between two people is oftentimes an initiative to move separate ways and to leave each other's lives. This is especially intense as breakups tend to be very sudden, intensifying feelings of abandonment and confusion for both parties. For those struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder and Dependent Personality Disorder, these fears of abandonment tend to already have prevalence and can become exacerbated amidst a separation. Oftentimes following a breakup, those who were in the relationship do not communicate to allow themselves time to move on and “heal” faster. Though many argue that this is a pivotal part of the healing process post-breakup, going from talking to someone everyday, to suddenly not talking to them at all is a complete and sudden change in routine which can become very overwhelming. This “no-contact” period often initiates feelings of grief during a breakup. You are essentially losing someone in a breakup, just not by forces such as death, and that is why it can feel so painful. 

Confusion is a heavy and often underrepresented emotion that circulates throughout a breakup. Confusion is most prevalent when a breakup tends to be one-sided. In the scenario where one person wants to break up and the other does not, there are two completely different perspectives and responses to splitting up. The person who is initiating the breakup oftentimes has had time to process the idea and feel those emotions of pain early on while also having control over the situation. Even so, there is nuance, turmoil, and guilt that accompanies those feelings. On the other hand, the person who is being “broken up” with is more often than not confused and surprised by their partner's feelings. This can make the idea “hit like a truck” and make the partner feel lost, feeling a plethora of emotions flood in. At these heightened levels of emotions, people often don’t make rational decisions amidst deep feelings of hurt, which often adds to the nuance of a breakup, and this can often lead to more problems, arguments, and ultimate pain. 

During a breakup, many emotions are incredibly heightened, and those emotions typically stem from pain, betrayal, distrust, and confusion. Feeling these emotions so intensely and suddenly is characteristic of many other traumatic exposures, so dismissing the severity of break-ups is harmful in terms of the importance of mental health. Breakups are a serious contributor to sudden shifts in mental health quality, and they should be treated as such. 

References

Admin, and Admin. “Why Is Trust Important in a Relationship? - Bayridge Counseling.” Bayridge -, 23 Aug. 2024, bayridgecounsellingcentres.ca/blog/why-is-trust-important-in-a-relationship/#:~:text=Trust%20plays%20a%20crucial%20role,completely%20trusting%20of%20your%20partner.

Fraga, Juli. “Processing Grief After a Breakup.” Healthline, 19 Apr. 2019, www.healthline.com/health/breakup-grief.

Newberry, Laura. “When Things Fall Apart: Why Breakups Are so Painful and What We Can Learn From Them - Los Angeles Times.” Los Angeles Times, 13 Dec. 2022, www.latimes.com/california/newsletter/2022-12-13/when-things-fall-apart-why-breakups-are-so-painful-and-what-we-can-learn-from-them-group-therapy.