Borderline personality disorder is a complex and often misunderstood personality disorder which can have a profound effect on the lives of those diagnosed with BPD as well as their loved ones. A “personality disorder” is characterized by “an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the norms and expectations of the individual’s culture, is pervasive and inflexible…and leads to distress or impairment” (American Psychiatric Association). Borderline personality disorder (BPD) specifically is marked by patterns of instability within one’s interpersonal relationships, inconsistent self-image, and intense impulsivity. Although various studies and research conducted over time have granted us an understanding of this disorder’s course and prevalence, there is still much room left to improve on in our society’s understanding of BPD. BPD affects approximately 1.4% of the adult U.S. population, but this number can be presumed to not be entirely accurate due to frequent misdiagnosis of this disorder (NAMI, 2023). BPD manifests itself in severe emotional dysregulation and mental instability in an individual, which directly affects one’s interpersonal relationships. Individuals with borderline personality disorder experience considerably more tumultuous relationships and understanding the correlation between this diagnosis and its influence onto one’s relationship dynamics is important in preventing further misjudgement and misrepresentation of this disorder and those afflicted.
While relationships are significant for any individual’s life and livelihood, they carry a particularly greater weight for those affected with borderline personality disorder. BPD is characterized by its effects of emotional dysregulation and fluctuation, which can make it significantly harder for those afflicted to maintain stable relationships. Individuals with BPD may display “affective instability that is due to a marked reactivity of mood,” causing “intense episodic irritability…or anxiety” which typically lasts a few hours and rarely more than a few days (American Psychiatric Association). These intense mood swings and unpredictable emotional reactivity can create significant stress onto a romantic relationship, as partners may find it challenging to keep up with this constant shift in their loved one’s emotional and mental state. Individuals diagnosed with borderline personality disorder also experience great challenges with the pervasive fear of abandonment and emotional dependency associated with this condition. Individuals experience feelings of rapid switches between “idealizing…people to devaluing them, feeling that the other person does not care enough... (or) not ‘there’ enough.” This can put a significant strain on the relationship as a partner may feel overwhelmed by this constant need for validation and attention. This is challenging for both partners as the partner with BPD may not feel satisfied in their emotional needs and the other can feel overwhelmed and underappreciated in the relationship.
Individuals with borderline personality disorder may display impulsivity in several areas which may be self-damaging. These impulsive behaviors are used as a means to cope with constant emotional turmoil and can provide a temporary relief for emotional distress. Individuals with BPD “may be troubled by chronic feelings of emptiness, which can co-occur with painful feelings of aloneness…they may frequently seek excitement to avoid their feelings of emptiness.” Behaviors such as gambling, substance abuse, risky sexual encounters, and self-harm are common impulsive behaviors that individuals with BPD may feel a need to resort to. These harmful behaviors, particularly self-mutilative acts such as cutting or burning, “often bring relief by reaffirming the individual’s ability to feel.” These behaviors can help the individual to regain a temporary sense of control over their emotions, as these are impulsive reactions to their constantly fluctuating emotional states. However, these actions can create strife and misunderstanding in a relationship as a partner may experience a lack of stability and trust in the individual with BPD. The partner may grow untrusting over time due to the unpredictability associated with impulsivity and in not knowing when or how these behaviors will occur. Partners may feel overwhelmed by these behaviors and may consistently need to manage the repercussions that accompany them. Individuals diagnosed with BPD also commonly experience a cognitive state distortion referred to as “splitting.” Splitting can be defined as a “primitive defense mechanism to feel "safe” when feeling threatened, scared…judged or misunderstood” (Psychology Today, 2022). Individuals will alternate between extremes of idealization of their partner, viewing things as entirely good, to devaluation, which is oppositely viewing things as completely bad. Splitting can trigger anger against a partner, which can lead to repercussions of impulsive actions and clouded judgment. This cycle of black-and-white thinking can create tension within the relationship and a partner to feel as if they are “walking on eggshells” around the individual with BPD. The individual with BPD can also feel persistent emotional exhaustion from this seemingly uncontrollable pattern of dichotomous thinking.
While both partners in a relationship where an individual is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder may experience emotional difficulties on both ends, it is highly important to note that these challenges can be combated by both partners. Learning about and understanding the condition of borderline personality disorder and the symptoms associated with this disorder is crucial in developing empathy and patience towards one’s partner. This mental condition is often deeply misunderstood and at times demonized by society, so it is important to maintain a sense of humanization and empathy towards every individual diagnosed. It is also essential to prioritize self-care on both ends of the relationship and establishing boundaries when difficulties arise. It can be emotionally exhausting encountering the aforementioned challenges for both partners at times, and boundaries can help to protect each other’s emotional well-being as well as the integrity of the relationship. Both partners should feel safe and able to express open communication with one another and be mindful of each other’s sensitivities. Resilience is a significant factor which both partners should prioritize to counteract challenges that may arise in order to grow from them rather than drift apart. A support network is equally vital in being able to rely on outside resources rather than solely on one another when difficulties come up. Both partners should additionally have access to other loved ones and friends for support and understanding outside the relationship. Therapeutic help is also exceptionally helpful for the individual diagnosed with BPD, helping them to recognize and combat any deeper emotional issues which may contribute to potential relationship issues.
Every individual is deserving of a loving and healthy relationship regardless of one’s mental health diagnosis. Individuals with borderline personality disorder and their partners can indubitably work together to establish and build a healthy, fulfilling relationship and combat the stigma associated with this condition.
References:
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596
NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness. (2023). Borderline personality disorder. https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions/Borderline-Perso nality-Disorder#:~:text=It%27s%20estimated%20that%201.4%25%20of,misdiagnosed% 20with%20PTSD%20or%20depression.
Psychology Today. (2022, September 5). Splitting in Borderline Personality Disorder. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-ptsd/202209/splitting-in-borderline-personality-disorder
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